


in my heart you're not a friend

by starryboy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-05 10:21:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16366073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryboy/pseuds/starryboy
Summary: jisung doesn’t understand the looks the rest of his members give him when he’s around chenle.





	in my heart you're not a friend

**Author's Note:**

> i've rebranded yet again

jisung doesn’t understand the looks the rest of his members give him when he’s around chenle. sometimes it’s a roll of the eyes or a shake of the head, but sometimes it’s this look that pierces through jisung’s head, leaving him thinking about it for the rest of the day.

 

he asked chenle about it once. it went something like this:

 

“hey,” jisung says, lying curled up on his side, “have you ever noticed the weird way everyone always looks at us?”

 

chenle smiles at him softly, reaching a hand out to push jisung’s bangs away from his face. he doesn’t say anything, just looks at him in a way that says “i know what it means, you’ll figure it out sooner or later.” 

 

jisung doesn’t know how to feel about that.

 

well, nowadays jisung doesn’t know much of anything. he doesn’t know why everyone looks at him like they know something he doesn’t, he doesn’t know why chenle does it too, and he certainly doesn’t know why his heart travels up to lodge in his throat everytime chenle smiles at him.

 

okay, maybe he has the teensiest of a theory about why he suddenly feels like he can’t breathe around chenle, but if there’s anything jisung’s good at it’s avoiding his feelings so he pushes it to the back of his mind. 

 

sometimes it pops up in the foreground of his thoughts, blaring bright and loud, almost like a siren going off inside of his mind. 

 

he’ll be hanging out with chenle, the elder turning to face him to tell him something or leaning his head onto jisung’s shoulder as they watch a movie, and the feeling of wanting to do  _ something _ so badly that his entire body aches with want. until chenle turns away or lifts his head, and just like that the feelings gone, taken from him before he has the chance to figure out what it meant. 

 

other times are like today, jaemin coming over to sit on his bed, smiling at him in that way that screams  _ “i know what you don’t” _ , a way that makes jisung want to hit him over the head with a pillow. 

 

“how are things with chenle?” he asks, tilting his head, lips formed in a lazy smile, his eyes staring deeply into jisung’s, almost like he’s boring a hole.

 

it’s unnerving. “what do you mean?”

 

jaemin sighs, not like he’s disappointed in the answer, more like it’s what he was expecting, “nothing sungie, don’t stay up too late okay?”

 

he doesn’t give jisung time to answer before he’s turning away and making his way to his own bed.

 

jisung doesn’t listen to him. the clock on his nightstand reads 3:17 am and he can’t sleep, his earlier conversation with the elder leaving him confused, desperately clawing at the outsides of his brain trying to understand the tangled thoughts in his mind. 

 

_ how’s chenle?  _

 

the question sets off more alarms in his head. objectively, jaemin knows how he is, even though chenle doesn’t live in the dorms anymore he still talks to him quite a bit, except that any assumption that jaemin has about how he is is wrong. 

 

jisung knows something’s up with chenle. he won’t meet his eyes anymore, pushes jisung away when he tries to get close, bites his lip after he tells jisung that he’s fine whenever he asks like he’s holding back, and it causes so many emotions to bubble up inside of jisung he feels like he’s going to explode.

 

that’s another thing that he doesn’t know, what’s wrong with chenle. jisung doesn’t know who to go to for advice, he doesn’t even know if anyone but him has noticed that something’s amiss with the elder. he’s worried, it scares jisung not knowing what’s wrong with his best friend, and the fear that maybe they’re not as close as he thought because chenle won’t tell him what’s going on.

 

at the back of his mind, he remembers the strange looks everyone gives him when he’s with chenle, maybe that has something to do with it. 

 

maybe it’s all jisung’s fault.

 

jisung gets so caught up with his fear and worry and all the thoughts swirling around in his head, the possibility that everything is his fault, and does the only thing he knows what to do in this situation.

 

he cries. 

 

he cries for chenle, praying to whoever will listen that things go back to how they were, he cries for his confusing feelings, the reason he feels like he can’t breathe around him, and he cries for himself, cursing himself for being such a crybaby when he knows it won’t help anything.

 

jisung cries for so long he’s sure jaemin’s had to have woken up from him, but the elder doesn’t move, the lump of his body underneath his blanket staying still, and he doesn’t know what to do. he wants to call chenle, someone who understands him and how he works, someone who could tell him that everything’s going to be okay and actually make him believe it, but he can’t.

 

it’s been a long time since jisung felt this alone, years maybe, before chenle came around.

 

jisung remembers, with an empty feeling in his stomach, just how much he hates the feeling.

 

-

 

things get better, kind of, chenle smiles at him more, though jaemin does take to sending him worried glances from time to time, confirming jisung’s suspicions that he was awake, but his chenle’s back, and that’s all that matters to him.

 

chenle gradually warms up to him again. one day it’ll be grabbing his hand as they walk through the streets of myeongdong, another pulling him into a quick hug before he leaves the dorms, and today it’s laying on top of him while they watch a movie.

 

jisung runs his fingers through chenle’s hair, enjoying the feeling of his breath against his neck. they stopped paying attention to the movie a long time ago, chenle favoring cuddling up against jisung and burying his head in his shoulder to whatever dumb chick flick donghyuck decided to watch today. 

 

jaemin calls out for them to come eat lunch about three quarters of the way through it, and chenle begrudgingly pulls away from him and sits up. even though his hair is messy from jisung’s hands and there’s a pout on his lips he still manages to take his breath away. 

 

jisung’s affronted by just how beautiful chenle is. obviously, he wasn’t blind to how chenle wasn’t all that bad on the eyes, but this, this feeling in jisung’s chest causing his heartbeat to rise, this is new. 

 

the feeling renders him speechless, and a little bit frightened. he’s felt many things towards chenle, annoyance, anger, admiration, but he’s never felt this before. jisung runs through a list of emotions he’s sure he’s never felt towards chenle before, and jaemin calls out for him to hurry up just as he reaches  _ lo- _

 

it’s gone. 

 

disappointed, he pushes up from the couch and makes his way to the kitchen. it was right on the tip of his tongue, he was finally so close to figuring things out, and it was snatched away from him, just like that.

 

“are you alright?” chenle asks him, eyebrows furrowed.

jisung sighs, “it’s nothing,” something in the way he looked at chenle must’ve triggered something in his mind because chenle has seemed to adopt the same  _ “i know what you don’t”  _ way that everyone but himself seems to have. he smiles at him apologetically and jisung attempts to swallow the lump in his throat.

 

-

 

as quick as things got better, they fall apart twice as fast. 

 

jisung woke to laughter floating into his room from the living room. sighing, he throws the duvet off of him and climbs out of bed, making his way towards the living room. he yawns and stretches, bringing a hand up to brush through his hair, that’s when he hears it.

 

“so chenle,” renjun drawls, and he hears yukhei giggle at the words, “how are things with your crush going?”

 

jisung freezes. chenle has a crush? and he’s never told him? is that why he’s been acting strange lately? his head spins with the newfound information and his knees buckle. 

 

“shut up,” chenle retorts, and jisung quickly unfreezes and dashes back into his room. 

 

he collapses onto his bed, the weight of renjun’s words fully hitting him. jisung’s breath stutters, hand clutching at his blanket. he doesn’t know why it bothers him so much, maybe because chenle never told him? oh god, does chenle not trust him anymore? the thought of that makes him feel like throwing up.

 

jisung sucks in a breath, the realization that he’s not the one that makes chenle happy any more burns. 

 

chenle’s found someone that makes him feel happy and loved, and the fact that it’s not him weighs heavily on jisung.

 

-

 

jisung was expecting to see differences in the way chenle usually acts after he found out about the elder’s crush, but he just looks dejected. somehow, he’s gotten even more worrying.

 

he’ll zone out in the middle of conversations, he throws out fake smiles when asked if he’s alright, and the light behind his eyes is dimmed.

 

it makes jisung want to do anything in his power to make chenle happy again. and he tries, he tries really hard to get the elder to laugh or brings him his favorite snacks after practice in the hopes of seeing him smile, but it’s not enough. 

 

jisung’s had a lot of sleepless nights ever since he found out, too busy thinking about who it could be to sleep. 

 

chenle’s always admired yukhei, maybe it’s him? or it could be renjun, but they seem to have more of a brother relationship, not like the relationship jisung has with him. 

 

but what even is their relationship? they rarely talk nowadays, and even before that just calling them best friends didn’t seem to be enough.

 

then again, calling them brothers always left a bad taste in jisung’s mouth. 

 

there’s something bothering jisung about this situation, like an itch he can’t quite reach, but he can’t figure it out no matter how hard he tries. 

 

why does chenle’s crush bother him so much? why does it feel wrong to call them best friends? why does he want to be the one that makes chenle happy, not whoever chenle’s crush is?

 

with a bitter laugh jisung adds those questions to the list he’s so lovingly dubbed “i’m a dumbass, somebody please answer these.” 

 

“why are you still awake?” the question breaks jisung out of his thoughts, quickly turning to face the voice. 

 

jaemin doesn’t look angry about him being up though, he just sighs and grabs at the comforter, slipping into the bed beside him. 

 

“can’t sleep, too much to think about,” jisung shifts closer to the wall, giving jaemin enough room to be comfortable, and avoids the elders’ eyes. 

 

jaemin and him have always had somewhat of an odd relationship, more so in the way that jaemin has this strange ability to be able to figure out what’s upsetting jisung, even if he’d never told the older boy about it before. 

 

“is it about chenle?” 

 

_ dammit _ , jisung curses in his head, how the hell did he figure that out?

 

“maybe,” he mumbles, trying to avoid the conversation, too afraid of what jaemin might make him realize, he’s always been good at that. 

 

jaemin sighs and shifts to lay on his side, bringing a hand up to card through jisung’s. that’s a bad sign, he knows he’s going to say something to upset jisung, and he’s taking measures to calm him down as much as he can beforehand. 

 

“c'mon, tell me everything that’s been on your mind.”

 

and he does tell him everything, all of it. 

 

all of his fears about where his friendship with chenle stands, if they’re still best friends even though it seems he doesn’t trust jisung anymore. about how confusing everything nowadays is, the newfound knowledge of the elder’s crush, how he feels when he’s around chenle. 

 

he tells jaemin about how close he thinks he was to figuring it out that day in the living room, and how frustrated he is that he hasn’t gotten that close since. jisung talks and talks until he can’t talk anymore, his emotions catching up to him and making it hard to breathe. 

 

jaemin plays with his hair all throughout it, whispering encouragements from time to time, telling him everything’s gonna be okay. 

 

eventually, jisung calms down, all the energy seeping from his body. he makes grabby hands at jaemin who laughs and pulls him into a tight hug. 

 

he’s about to fall asleep when jaemin whispers, “you know, jisung, maybe the reason calling him your best friend feels weird and him having a crush bothers you is the same.”

 

jisung doesn’t have time to think about it before he falls into a dreamless sleep. 

 

-

 

jaemin’s words don’t make any sense to him, even when he’s fully awake. 

 

guess he has to add that to his list. 

 

in all honesty, he’s tired of all this confusion, not knowing what’s going on in his head. usually, he’d go to two people for help: jaemin, but that ended with more questions than answers, or the one person he doesn’t want to talk to about all this. 

 

chenle isn’t smiling when he walks into jisung’s room. nowadays that’s normal, but it used to be like his own personal sunshine walked into the room when chenle would come over. 

 

“hello,” no dumb nickname or cheeky smile, chenle’s awkwardness doesn’t help with his nerves. 

 

“hi,” jisung replies, eloquent as always. 

 

chenle does a once-over of the room before sitting down on the bed, across from jisung. 

 

jisung’s palms are sweaty, but that’s a normal thing that happens around chenle nowadays too, “i don’t really know who to talk to about this anymore.”

 

chenle studies him for a moment, eyebrows knitted together, “what’s wrong jisung?”

 

he looks down at his hands clasped in his lap, wringing them together. the nerves he expected, but this isn’t quite nerves, this is like all of his nerve ends have been set on fire, and he can’t breathe because of how afraid he is. 

 

(and maybe a little bit because chenle looks really pretty today.)

 

_ my feelings for you are all messed and i don’t know what it means. _

 

“i know about your crush,” he blurts out instead. 

 

chenle sighs, but doesn’t look all that surprised, “does it bother you?”

 

“kinda?” saying it out loud makes him feel even shittier. he should be happy for chenle, but he can’t bring himself to feel that way. 

 

“and why is that?” chenle has his patient look on his face, and a soft smile adorning his plump lips. it’s distracting. 

 

“i don’t know?”

 

chenle takes one of his hands, “how did you feel when you found out?”

 

“sad.” he doesn’t think before he says it, but now that it’s out loud he recognizes how much it hurt him to know that chenle didn’t trust him with the identity of his crush, or even the fact that he had one. 

 

“what did you do when you found out?”

 

jisung grimaces, “cried.”

 

he nods, “jisung when i hold your hand how does it make you feel?”

 

“happy.”

 

chenle grips his hand tighter, vaguely the softness of his hands register in jisung’s mind, but he’s too preoccupied with the conversation to dwell on it for too long, “what’s the last thing you think about before you go to bed?”

 

“you,” shame burns deep in his stomach when he says it, not wanting to admit it to both himself and chenle. 

 

chenle bites back a smile, “who do you love?”

 

“you.”

 

chenle looks taken aback by his answer, but jisung isn’t. for a split second jisung wants to say  _ just kidding! i don’t love you! _ but he knows in his heart that what he said was true. he thinks back to that day in the living room,  _ love  _ was the word on the tip of his tongue, begging to be said. 

 

“you love me?” chenle’s voice is soft, disbelieving, but his eyes are shining.

 

in lieu of an answer jisung just nods, grabbing chenle’s other hand in his own. they sit in silence for a moment, letting jisung’s confession soak in. 

 

chenle’s the first to break it, “i love you too.”

 

jisung’s head shoots up, “what?”

 

he giggles at the younger’s reaction, slipping his hand away from jisung’s to brush the hair out of his eyes.

 

“i’m your crush?” jisung’s eyes are wide, staring at the floor, not really believing what’s happening. 

 

“it’s always been you.”

 

chenle’s words carry a weight to them, but the pressure on jisung’s chest is finally lifted. an incredulous laugh slips out of his mouth, and chenle smiles at him before joining in. 

 

it’s an odd sight, the two boys trying desperately to breathe in between bouts of laughter, but they’ve never been happier. chenle finally got jisung to get his head out of his ass, and jisung’s finally understood the weird looks. 

 

it seems as if everybody knew his feelings before he did, figures. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i don't know my feelings for this yet but i hope you enjoy another edition of jisung being dumb and chenle knowing everything
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/jaesngs) // [cc](https://curiouscat.me/vampjeno)


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